Let me start with a disclaimer…if you like porn and believe it’s harmless, you probably shouldn’t read any further, because what I have to say will probably piss you off. If you like porn, I’m not judging you. What you do is your business. But what I share is what I have experienced, and the opinions I have formed because of said experiences. So here goes…
I hate porn. I think it’s demeaning, perverted, and encourages men to view women as objects instead of people. Porn is not respectful or caring. It is about selfishness. It is about lust. It is about using people. It creates unrealistic expectations. Most married women, especially those with kids, do not have gigantic boobs, or perfect perky breasts. Most of them to not have flat as a board tummies with zero cellulite on their hips and thighs. Most do not sit around waiting for someone to come along and screw them, or spend their days pursuing men for sex. Most women do not pant and moan and scream and spend the entire time during sex having one continuous orgasm. Porn is FAKE! REAL women want to be treated with respect. We want our husbands to love us, and appreciate our unique beauty, stretch marks, imperfect breasts and all! Sometimes, we don’t want to have sex, and that should be ok! We want to know that when our husbands are being intimate with us, they are being intimate with US, and only US! I know many will disagree with me, but if you are having sex with your spouse and thinking about someone else, you are CHEATING. If you sit at the computer lusting after naked women, masturbating as you fantasize about them, you are CHEATING. If you think that porn is harmless and won’t eventually or in some way have a negative impact on your marriage, you are kidding yourself.
My husband began viewing porn as a teenager. He came across some magazines of his step-father’s, and it all started there. He knew even back then it was wrong, but as a teenage boy curiosity won out. As he grew older, and the internet became an option for porn viewing, he would wait until his first wife was asleep, and stay up at night to look at porn on the computer. They had a normal sex life; he wasn’t being deprived or not having his needs met, it was just something he was drawn to do even though he felt guilty about it and kept it a secret. Eventually they divorced. We met, were together for 3 years before we married, and have been married for almost 9 years. I had no clue that he was even looking at porn on the computer. He had spent many years becoming very adept at keeping his secret hidden. But as our marriage progressed I knew something was not right. I told him many times over the years that I felt like he treated me like a piece of meat at times. I felt like he was very disconnected during sex, and so more and more I grew disinterested in sex, and then began to dislike it. I felt like a ‘hole’. I felt like I was merely a receptacle. And so, because there was very little intimacy between us, he became more susceptible to infidelity. All the while, he was still viewing porn, and every so often would try to stop. He would last maybe a few weeks and then go back to it. He will be the first to tell you that years of porn were a factor in how he viewed sex as something he was almost entitled to, and how he viewed women as objects to be lusted at. He said because of this it made it easier to get involved in an affair. It wasn’t until he almost lost his marriage and family, and everything came crashing down, that he realized selfishness and stupidity of his attitudes. I discovered his porn addiction a few months after the affair occurred, and as broken as he was about the affair, the same and guilt of his years of porn consumed him. But the thing was, once everything was out, he said he felt so much freer because he wasn’t living with secrets anymore, and he wasn’t enslaved to any of it any longer. It changed everything for him, and it changed him…for the better.
When he stopped lusting after other women and stopped looking at porn, and started to clear all the junk out of his mind, he began changing the way he treated me. He now treats me with so much more respect. He connects with me. He doesn’t treat me like an object. He is different. So don’t tell me porn is harmless, that it doesn’t damage people’s minds and marriages. I’ve witnessed it first hand. While porn is not the cause of his cheating, and he has never tried to use it as an excuse for infidelity, both he and I agree it was a factor in the slippery slope that led him downhill towards adultery. He didn’t wake up one day and just decide to cheat. He spend years being desensitized towards women with his porn addiction. He didn’t have good boundaries in place when it came to dealing with other women in public and the workplace. He filled his mind with trash – garbage in, garbage out. He used our marital problems as a justification to cheat when the opportunity presented itself. All of these things were factors, not excuses, in what made him more vulnerable. So I’m not pointing the finger at porn and saying, yes, porn is completely to blame! Porn made my husband a cheater! Um, no – my husband CHOSE to be a cheater. But porn helped create a screwed up mindset.
Someone today told me that ALL men and women fantasize about others, it’s NORMAL. And I’m trying to control my husband by not ‘allowing’ him to view porn. Porn helps ‘spice’ up marriages. Well, no, not ALL people fantasize about others – I don’t. And I bet many others don’t fantasize about anyone other than their spouse. If you have to think about someone else to have sex with your spouse, you have a major problem! Just because some, or even many people do a particular thing does not make it right or normal. Many people steal, lie, do harm to others. It’s not ok, no matter how many people do it! And my husband CHOOSES to no longer look at porn, because he likes the person he is now much better than he was. He no longer desires to look at other women, because now that he is free of his addiction he is fully satisfied with his wife, and ONLY his wife. We don’t need porn to spice up our marriage – why should anyone need to look at other people having sex to make sex with their spouse better? Your spouse should be enough for you – they should be all you want, need, and desire! If you are wanting, needing, and desiring others you are asking for trouble, and you need to figure out what is lacking in your marriage, or what is lacking in yourself that you can’t seem to be satisfied with your spouse.
Our marriage is far from perfect, and we will be working on healing from my husband’s affair and porn addiction for many years to come. But, I can honestly say that he is a much better person than he was a few years ago. He has changed for the better. I hate that it almost took losing everything for him to grow up and be the man he should have been all along. But maybe, for some cheating spouses, that’s the only thing that will serve as a wake-up call.
OK, I’m getting off my soap box now. Like I said, this is just my opinion. But it’s based on what I’ve dealt with and seen. Maybe your experiences are different. All I’m saying is don’t automatically assume porn is harmless because ‘everybody’ looks at it, or because society accepts it. Do the research for yourself. Porn addiction, and the damage that porn does to the mind is staggering.