maybe I’m starting to get over it…or not…

So yesterday, probably for the five hundred billionth time, I asked my husband why it was HER in particular that he had an affair with. He had told me it wasn’t about looks ( clearly! I’m no Cindy Crawford but someone whacked that creature with the UGLY stick!! ), it wasn’t emotional ( she said the same ), it was just that she boosted his ego when he was feeling unwanted by me. I asked him, did that mean that he would have had sex with ANYONE that had come along and flirted with him??? He said no, he wouldn’t say that. I said, well, then that means there must have been something about her then, and he said he really didn’t know why her. Does that even make sense? I got mad, and I told him that made it even more difficult to trust him now, because if he didn’t even know why he got involved with her, how would he be able to recognize an attraction to anyone else, because he would probably drop his pants and screw anyone that flattered him. ( This was peppered with some expletives, because, post-affair, my language skills have deteriorated to those equal to a gangster rapper or something close to it – I can’t seem to express my thoughts or feelings without using the f-bomb as my main adjective. ) He got mad and said he was done talking to me, and I let him walk out of the room. I was kind of glad I had pissed him off. With all the hurt he has caused me, does he not deserve it…and then some?

Anyhow, it wasn’t too long, maybe half an hour, before he came back and was apologetic and wanted to make up. He never stays mad for long…where as I can hold a grudge for decades if I set my mind to it. So we talked for awhile…and I told him, again for the zillionth time, that I get so tired of him downplaying or watering down details about the affair. Is there really anything he can say that can hurt me any more than I have already been hurt? Other than if he is hiding anything? I know he doesn’t want to answer detail questions because for him it’s a catch 22. If he doesn’t answer or ‘can’t remember’ I get mad and feel like he’s being deceptive. If he answers and it’s something he had previously answered in far less detail, I accuse him of having lied before. He told me it’s often very difficult to talk to me because I can be very hostile. And not just about the affair, about any subject that tends to be a source of tension. And he’s right, I DO tend to automatically get defensive and put my guard up. I can be very hostile at times. But when it comes to the subject of the affair, I guess I feel like I have every right to be hostile and angry. For the rest of my life, I have to live with what he did, and the way he disregarded our marriage because of his pure selfishness. He asked me, didn’t I know that he had to live the rest of his life knowing how much pain and agony he has caused me, and how he wishes he could erase it, take it all back, but can’t? And I guess I felt kind of glad. He SHOULD feel bad. He should feel as bad as he has made ME feel, if not more so. Because he and that nasty piece of garbage he slept with stole something precious from me, and I can never get it back.

I don’t think I’m EVER going to get over it.

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6 Responses to maybe I’m starting to get over it…or not…

  1. I get it. Either she was redeeming or she wasn’t, right? It’s not about what she looked like. It’s not about what you look like. It isn’t something she had that you lacked. It was something he lacked that she was willing to give.

    Have you ever considered attending any of the healing weekends with Anne and Brian Bercht. I am one of the coaches for the betrayed wives seminar and while my husband and I were asked to be mentors at the healing from affairs couples weekend, we can’t bet get away together without the kids. My husband is at the “man of honor” weekend as we speak and they spend a lot of time talking about how to recognize and notice red flags. If a man doesn’t know why he had his affair before this, he will.

    Did you ever read my blog post on vulnerabilities?

    • momof6boys says:

      We have definitely been thinking about attending some kind of couple’s intensive weekend. I didn’t know about the one you mentioned, but we had been looking into one held by Gary and Mona Shriver. They wrote the book Unfaithful, which my husband and I both found to be very helpful. I do think something like this would be very beneficial. I guess what I would really like to see happen is for my husband to really understand how he got to the point where he was able to justify in his mind what he did. He feels that part of the problem was his porn addiction ( that ended in May 2011 ) because he was viewing women like objects and thinking of sex in such a different way. He also knows that he didn’t have good boundaries, in that he never should have even had flirty or sexual conversations with the OW. He should never have been around her, or any other female for that matter, by himself. But, even with all that…I still have asked him several times, when it came to that point, when you knew you were crossing THE major boundary…WHY? Why didn’t you stop? Why didn’t you CARE enough to stop? How COULD you? And he doesn’t know. He hates himself for it. But he can’t explain why he didn’t stop, and why he allowed the affair to go on. I asked him what he expected to happen and he said he expected it would have ended soon, that neither of them were interested in anything more than getting off. Yeah, I believe that’s what the affair was about, but I’ll never know if he really would have ended it himself or if he would have kept going for weeks, months, who knows…I guess I drive myself crazy with all the what-ifs.

      I’m definitely going to read your blog post on vulnerabilities. And I wanted to thank you, as well as others like you, who have been willing to share what you have gone through, because it helps to not feel so alone in this. Because for me, that has been one of the worst parts of all of this, feeling so alone and lost, and confused about everything.

  2. megan.sas says:

    Just happened upon your blog :). I have had this EXACT same conversation with my hubby, many times. And it is hurtful no matter what the response. Unfortunately there is nothing about their addiction, sometimes even their everyday choices, that are rational or logical. Us partners can not possibly “get it” because just like you talked about in your porn post, they have twisted their minds around so much that it CAN’T make sense. I think that’s one of the worst things… None of their choices make any sense!!! Look forward to more posts 🙂

  3. He got involved with her because she offered. It’s that simple. If she hadn’t offered, he wouldn’t have gotten involved. Most likely, he doesn’t want to recognize that quality in himself yet – that he would have gone off with anyone who made him feel good and offered – but that is what it is for most guys.

    Look at it this way, if you wanted to, I’m sure you could walk into a bar and offer sex to most men in there and they would accept. Why? Because most men don’t think they “have it” any more, and to be told they do is a huge ego boost. They wouldn’t be picking you for your looks or hotness, but for how you made them feel about themselves.

    So your husband is being honest. She made him feel good about himself. That’s why he picked her…or more correctly she picked him. In most of these cases (and dating in general) men wait until the woman gives a clear sign she’s into a guy. He doesn’t want to believe he’d run off with anyone else, but the fact that he can’t articulate more about why her, proves otherwise, KWIM.

    At the end of the day she was nothing but an available hole to him.

  4. Wow….I am thankful I found your blog…..this is me and my situation almost to a T!! My depression has been a huge obstacle in getting beyond his affair….even just a little bit…

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