So yesterday, probably for the five hundred billionth time, I asked my husband why it was HER in particular that he had an affair with. He had told me it wasn’t about looks ( clearly! I’m no Cindy Crawford but someone whacked that creature with the UGLY stick!! ), it wasn’t emotional ( she said the same ), it was just that she boosted his ego when he was feeling unwanted by me. I asked him, did that mean that he would have had sex with ANYONE that had come along and flirted with him??? He said no, he wouldn’t say that. I said, well, then that means there must have been something about her then, and he said he really didn’t know why her. Does that even make sense? I got mad, and I told him that made it even more difficult to trust him now, because if he didn’t even know why he got involved with her, how would he be able to recognize an attraction to anyone else, because he would probably drop his pants and screw anyone that flattered him. ( This was peppered with some expletives, because, post-affair, my language skills have deteriorated to those equal to a gangster rapper or something close to it – I can’t seem to express my thoughts or feelings without using the f-bomb as my main adjective. ) He got mad and said he was done talking to me, and I let him walk out of the room. I was kind of glad I had pissed him off. With all the hurt he has caused me, does he not deserve it…and then some?
Anyhow, it wasn’t too long, maybe half an hour, before he came back and was apologetic and wanted to make up. He never stays mad for long…where as I can hold a grudge for decades if I set my mind to it. So we talked for awhile…and I told him, again for the zillionth time, that I get so tired of him downplaying or watering down details about the affair. Is there really anything he can say that can hurt me any more than I have already been hurt? Other than if he is hiding anything? I know he doesn’t want to answer detail questions because for him it’s a catch 22. If he doesn’t answer or ‘can’t remember’ I get mad and feel like he’s being deceptive. If he answers and it’s something he had previously answered in far less detail, I accuse him of having lied before. He told me it’s often very difficult to talk to me because I can be very hostile. And not just about the affair, about any subject that tends to be a source of tension. And he’s right, I DO tend to automatically get defensive and put my guard up. I can be very hostile at times. But when it comes to the subject of the affair, I guess I feel like I have every right to be hostile and angry. For the rest of my life, I have to live with what he did, and the way he disregarded our marriage because of his pure selfishness. He asked me, didn’t I know that he had to live the rest of his life knowing how much pain and agony he has caused me, and how he wishes he could erase it, take it all back, but can’t? And I guess I felt kind of glad. He SHOULD feel bad. He should feel as bad as he has made ME feel, if not more so. Because he and that nasty piece of garbage he slept with stole something precious from me, and I can never get it back.
I don’t think I’m EVER going to get over it.