I’m having an ugly day. I don’t know if there is any particular reason…it’s just one of those days. earlier today I was rereading a section in a book called Hedges By Jerry B. Jenkins. It’s about ways that people should put up barriers to protect their marriages from adultery. None of it is shocking or earth-shattering….it’s common sense stuff really, but it makes you think about some of the things we do that seem insignificant but actually have the potential to lead to issues if we aren’t aware. Anyhow, there are questions to discuss with your spouse. ( My husband has read part of it but not all, and I guess I could make a big deal out of it and guilt him into reading the whole thing but I want him to WANT to read it. ) So, I was asking him questions about attraction. Then, that flowed into Questions About The Affair. I asked him what kind of things he said to her when they were ‘just flirting and joking’, before the sex started. I asked him how joking had even turned sexual with her ( especially if he wasn’t attracted to her ). The response was something about oh well, it was just kind of crude humor like guys do with each other even though they shouldn’t. I said ok, well, since she obviously isn’t a guy, what do you mean? What sort of things specifically did you say to HER? He said he was trying to think…and I got annoyed. Because once again it’s more details that he just can’t seem to remember. I don’t expect he remembers every conversation, word for word. But he seriously can’t remember any of the ways that he ‘joked’ around with her? He can’t remember at all??
When I’ve gotten angry on other occasions about him ‘not remembering’ things he says that a lot of it is that he has worked to put all of that out of his mind and he doesn’t WANT to remember. So why is it that I can’t do the same thing? Because I would like nothing more that to completely forget that he cheated, and go on with life and be happy. But I can’t forget!!
Some days, even though I don’t believe in divorce unless absolutely necessary, I think it would be so much easier to kick him out and move on with my life. Except that we have 6 boys to think about. It’s not all about me. I can’t be selfish. Does it matter if I’m happy or not? I have better days and happier moments. But the days when the pain consumes me make me want to crawl into my bed, pull the covers up over my head, and never come out.
Today is just a bad day, I guess.