” Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath. ” ~ Eckhart Tolle

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I’m having an ugly day. I don’t know if there is any particular reason…it’s just one of those days. earlier today I was rereading a section in a book called Hedges By Jerry B. Jenkins. It’s about ways that people should put up barriers to protect their marriages from adultery. None of it is shocking or earth-shattering….it’s common sense stuff really, but it makes you think about some of the things we do that seem insignificant but actually have the potential to lead to issues if we aren’t aware. Anyhow, there are questions to discuss with your spouse. ( My husband has read part of it but not all, and I guess I could make a big deal out of it and guilt him into reading the whole thing but I want him to WANT to read it. ) So, I was asking him questions about attraction. Then, that flowed into Questions About The Affair. I asked him what kind of things he said to her when they were ‘just flirting and joking’, before the sex started. I asked him how joking had even turned sexual with her ( especially if he wasn’t attracted to her ). The response was something about oh well, it was just kind of crude humor like guys do with each other even though they shouldn’t. I said ok, well, since she obviously isn’t a guy, what do you mean? What sort of things specifically did you say to HER? He said he was trying to think…and I got annoyed. Because once again it’s more details that he just can’t seem to remember. I don’t expect he remembers every conversation, word for word. But he seriously can’t remember any of the ways that he ‘joked’ around with her? He can’t remember at all??

 

When I’ve gotten angry on other occasions about him ‘not remembering’ things he says that a lot of it is that he has worked to put all of that out of his mind and he doesn’t WANT to remember. So why is it that I can’t do the same thing? Because I would like nothing more that to completely forget that he cheated, and go on with life and be happy. But I can’t forget!!

Some days, even though I don’t believe in divorce unless absolutely necessary, I think it would be so much easier to kick him out and move on with my life. Except that we have 6 boys to think about. It’s not all about me. I can’t be selfish. Does it matter if I’m happy or not? I have better days and happier moments. But the days when the pain consumes me make me want to crawl into my bed, pull the covers up over my head, and never come out.

Today is just a bad day, I guess.

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10 Responses to ” Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath. ” ~ Eckhart Tolle

  1. Our husbands seem to be on the same page–the affair is over, they regret it and they want to move forward. Why do we keep dwelling on the details they would rather forget, right? Nothing would make me happier than to not care and to close that book and move forward. If I could believe our marriage would survive with that mentality I would happily shove all this baggage in a closet, lock the door and throw away the key.

  2. Flaca says:

    Yeah I don’t buy the “i dont remember” because i know when my husband and his OW texted each other they loved reliving their escapades. so he remembered then but not now? my husband thinks he is protecting me. i told him “no you aren’t protecting me. you are protecting you and her. you are keeping secrets and for us to move forward you are not allowed to keep secrets, sorry.” my husband’s getting better but yes… its hard. they wish we could just forget but that’s not gonna happen. and sometimes the rage and pain bubble up and seem too much its on them to understand that they need to own it and help us through it. sending you hugs.

  3. bombladoze says:

    same sentiments here!
    that whole crude humour that guys use amongst themselves thing, i think is true… when its between guys its just fun and they all let it roll off… its just messing around. but it can actually have quite a disgusting effect on a female and i dont think men realise it (if they do theyre sick!)

    mr bamboo has complained that he cant joke around with me… yeah, because im not your BOY! (thinking back to when we were first getting to know each other, he didnt do this to me, i know i wouldnt have put up with it)

    i grew up around a lot of men, lots of uncles, lots of male cousins… ive seen how they interact with each other… but there are only two men in this world who i will let joke around with ME like that, my stepdad, because jokes are just his thing and because i know that he is actually a genuine and honest person and because, hes my stepdad lol. and one cousin… even now in our 30s he still likes to pat me on the head (hes a foot and a half taller than me heh) because he knows it makes me wild. but watch out if he sees anyone else doing it. (He doesnt know about the affair)…

    i dont know why girls let men treat them like that, its degrading, what theyre doing is lowering your self esteem, in effect weakening you for their advances. but i have to say again, i dont think for the most part that males are aware that this is what is happening…

  4. bombladoze says:

    sorry if the above was a bit off putting, i felt it rather comforting to know that i would never put up with that kind of behaviour… and she got sucked in. she thought she was tough enough to hang. imo. shes an idiot. its no basis for an actual relationship. no matter how much the guy enjoys having someone to make jokes with (i think its actually making jokes AT).

    anyway, i find the not remembering really frustrating too… i think its that whole compartmentalising concept of little boxes in a mans brain, they cant just pull stuff up and connect it at will like we do, they have to remember which box that information is in, and then go into it and find the specific detail youre after… it does our heads in i know, its stupid to us, its rude, and i resent it because its a huge part of how he managed his affair… but it serves them pretty well in other parts of life… @ work for eg.

    • momof6boys says:

      We’ve gone round and round about the whole compartmentalizing thing. It drives me crazy! I don’t understand how they can have separate parts of their lives. He’s tried to explain his former mindset…but it makes no sense to me. And he’s said the same thing, that he doesn’t know how to explain something to me that doesn’t make sense, because he knows that what he did MADE NO SENSE. His justifications and rationale for all his poor decisions were ridiculous. But I guess when cheating spouses are in the midst of their affairs, they don’t care about what makes sense and what doesn’t. And I told my husband that is what hurts the most, that he just didn’t care. How can I believe that he ever really loved me? He didn’t care enough to be a faithful husband. He cared about nothing but himself. 😦

  5. bombladoze says:

    100% what you said. to the letter!
    really enjoying your writing btw 😀

  6. Pingback: Well its about bloody time… | It won't always be bad...

  7. I could have written this myself. I’m almost 3 yrs later….could have been yesterday as far as I’m concerned. I don’t ask questions the answers make me sick. I stopped therapy 5 months ago-after only making half of the appts anyway. We have only been to therapy 3x together & therapist felt I was in crisis mode. I feel like I am JUST getting angry-aside from those first few weeks. He left me a note and never came home for 7 days! Coward! We were getting ready to adopt-caseworker said he has to be under the same roof-well wasn’t that easy for him to slide right back into the home.

    • One more thing…..he doesn’t remember either. Maybe that’s why I don’t ask. I get so mad when I say “well how many times did you meet with her” (my husband coached her child in baseball!) I always get “I don’t know” and if I fill in the blanks he says “ya I guess so” YOU GUESS SO?!

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